Wedding Blues

Thank you all (Stevie, zoo, GG, Frances, GinaP, Shipmate and Havoc) for your kind words and thoughts...And I'm glad that some of you sort of understood...Havoc I don't have an obsession over Ioan...It was just the whole wedding deal that stirred things up in my mind and the thought of...not really know how to explain that yet--but I will-I promise....I guess Ioan to me was not some fantasy--I know that doesn't happen!!! He's got his life and I have mine....But I got so full of emotions that I couldn't stay neutral at the IOAN/ALICE thing. I guess I wanted so much for him to realize what he was doing. It's weird to hear/or read someone's statement "she gave me an ultimatum". Ioan should of followed his heart and true feelings towards his better half...Don't marry because you have to--do it because you want it that way--because you feel it in your gut...No one has to be told to do something like that--if it doesn't come from the heart!!!! But I guess his love for her was too-strong. I'm not mad, just literally confused of such act. I also said that his eyes bewitched me and I believe that's what started this commotion...I'm sorry and I apologize for my actions. I was just thinking out loud! I did have someone whom i thought would get me out of all this and he was trying to cope with me and my thoughts. He's the libra guy who was born on the 2nd and whom I thought saw a little bit of Ioan in him...but not really. I wasn't looking for a Ioan look-alike or Ioan himself--but I was considering in marrying him for my own good-sake. But that was wrong...I wasn't doing it because I loved him but because I thought he was my way out!!!! And that shouldn't happen with love or life...I felt awful and stopped seeing him and broke contact with him--I'm guilty of that... True, my family is close, but lately, a few days back my little family has been falling apart. When I say I'm living a lie it's because part of my life I've pretended to be someone else to impress others...I can't cry, because my parents won't understand...hee, my mom is the controlling one and my dad the overprotecter-seriously!!!! I close friends--or so called friends are all gone now...they have lied to me time and time and again...It's kinda hard for me to confide in anyone...my work buddies have a soap opera deal going on at work that It's kinda hard to trust anyone...cuz seriously--hipocracy roams at my work place...I can't speak to my mom because she WON'T LISTEN--NOT EVEN WHEN I'M BEING SINCERE!!! Being jolly and happy all the time is my mask...I'm mostly myself when I'm being one with nature or in a peaceful place...She's mad all the time and her persona don't care too much for anyone or anything when it comes to just sitting down and TALK-LISTEN-STAY QUIET!! pretty much she just won't listen-too hard-headed!!! my dad won't understand-I'm close to him, but he's got his way of thinking that just don't click with me either...my siblings have their own things to go through that seriously I don't want to bother them. Don't get me wrong I don't want to bother you, but you guys have shown me that you do listen. I am having an episode, and it won't be the first time. I come in and out of these things like the cold or flu coming in and out of my body!!! and i don't have the means to pay for a pro. if you know what i mean. It that was the case I wouldn't be like this. Believe me I'd give anything in the world not to be like this...I try but it gets harder and harder each time it happens. My significant other doesn't understand at times and can't help me either....I'm tired --Maricruz

First of all, never worry about bothering us, Maricruz, and don't be afraid to ask for help, if you need it. As for Ioan, I think I can sort of understand what you mean. I think that though we are aware that we are not bound to cross paths with the celebrities we admire, we - unreasonably perhaps - let ourselves be affected not only by their movies but also by what goes on in their real life and we project our dreams and expectations upon them as if they were friends of ours more often than we are willing to admit. As for the rest, I think that your admitting how bad you feel is a good start towards "recovery". I can imagine how hard it is to live with a mask on. Ideas that I had while reading your post are... If you are not at ease in your work place at all, why not considering to change your job and perhaps trying to find one that would take you away from you current environment: maybe, putting some distance between you and your family can result in a change in the way you relate to one another and an improvement in your relationships. Ok, I'm thinking out loud.

Mari- Every state has loads of help for people who can't afford it! The states have tie-ins to organizations to help as well. Cruise the Internet for a bit and take a look. Or PM me and I'd be glad to help. If this is not your first episode, and being in a stressful environment, you owe it to yourself to find someone to talk with... and as Stevie stated, perhaps after evaluation, perhaps some medication. If you want to be strong for your family, you must first be strong for yourself! Good luck! And this is a very supportive group. Sometimes help comes in strange places.

Maricruz, How old are you? Are you still a teenager or in your early twenties? Did you just graduate from school and are just starting a job? If so, you are going through a difficult transition in life, and that you will get out of it. Just keep moving forward. I figured that the wedding was a trigger for something else, as Stevie astutely pointed out in her post. However, what worries me is you saying that you go "in and out of these things, like a cold or flu." What things? Are you just feeling stressed. Or are you feeling depressed? If stressed, then maybe you can make some specific changes to your environment, or discover relaxation techniques. But if you go in and out of depression and this depression seems like it comes out of nowhere (like being triggered by IG and AE getting married), then you could perhaps benefit from talking to a qualified professional. They don't necessarily cost money, and if you are still in school, there is probably a counseling center on campus that will treat you for free. Even if you are not in school, you could call University of Texas at Brownsville and see if they offer counseling to the public, or if someone can take you. However, since we don't know you and all we have is your admitted stream of consciousness posts, might I suggest an alternative. There are a variety of herbs and homeopathic preparations that can help with stress and mild cases of depression. My guess, especially since you live so close to Mexico, is that there are a variety of people that could advise you on what to take. These can improve your overall outlook and mood and maybe help you even out a bit. Regardless of what you do, at least try to do something. There is no need to be so unhappy, and I hope you can take charge of what is bothering you and move on in a more positive direction. Good luck, GinaP :cool:

Maricruz, recently a member of my immediate family had to see professional help and I know that after a visit to a GP and being given a referral, they had a series of visits to the psychologist as good as paid for. They had over six visits and only now have they had to begin to pay for their visits. I know that in Australia if the problem is psychological, appointments and visits are very close to free at least until the problem is recognised. Perhaps it is the same where you are? I'm really, really sorry, I cannot stand the idea of telling someone they need to seek help from a professional but when you say things like: "Sometimes I wish I were left alone, because alone I can stay out of trouble...no more pains, heart-aches and disappointments...No lies no hipocracy--no more burdens...I miss the part of me that use to be able to go about with no sorrow in the world...but all this is just to much and I can only take SO MUCH!!! That it's making me weak and empowering me with all this sadness--I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! " ...quite frankly it worries the hell out of me. I'm really sorry to say that I think you should see someone, it makes me feel bad but reading Havoc and Stevie's posts and reading yours and fretting over yours, I think I have to join the general concensus and say a professional would be your best bet. I think I was in a state of shock/disbelief after reading your posts because I haven't had to experience that sort of pain before and it's sad to see that someone has to go through it. After recognising a member as a sweet and happy looking one and then seeing them upset/angry/sad, it's heart breaking and seeing it with you reminds me of when I saw it in dear Snowy. Both times are very, very sad and I really don't like seeing you upset. I sincerely hope you feel better soon, really I do. :hug

Wow.....I really don't know what to say to all of you. I didn't mean to worry all of you guys so much. I'm actually 27, I stopped going to school at 23, because I was helping my parents get through some tough times after my family separated. We were a house of 8 and up until 2002. Then we were only my parents and myself. I was still going to school, my dad worked at the hospital as a CNA and my mom stopped working when she married my pops like about 2 yrs. later. Because his thoughts were: I'm the man of the house, I should be bringing home the bacon and you've already worked enough to get yourself and the children this far. You see, my dad's not my paternal daddy, but I've known him since the age of 2 and to my eyes he will always be my daddy. No matter what the blood says. I didn't find out until I was 19 that he wasn't my dad. But I didn't mind because deep inside of me-my heart I knew and my brother knew it too. Actually my brother found out when he was 17 and they all voted not to tell me but when I was interviewed at the zoo they asked to see my birth certificate, social and ID....But no biggy, like my grandma always says, "No se es padre el que engendra, sino el que cria", "parents are the ones who teach you the value of life, not just the ones who gave you life". That's as close as I can get to that translation. Anywho, I was working weekends, holidays and special events and going to school all week and taking 5 classes. I didn't have time for anything. I just thought in helping my parents and paying bills and my bills. My credit report was nasty back then. Still, when the next semester came by financial aid wasn't being too kind to me. They were blaming ME for working TOO much and not because my dad was working at the hospital. These ppl actually thought I was making money for myself when in reality I didn't even have money on the side! I stopped going and just put my mind to just helping out. Buying my late grandma's house helping pay my aunts mortgage, paying her school taxes and city. That was our rent in return for us to keep the house. We are still trying to remodel the house or extend it a little. We paid off a few credit cards and mine as well and I feel good about it, but still...it isn't enough. My dad retired early AND got a second mortgage and that helped a little up until now. And that stresses me worrying I guess that I'm not doing enough in this lifetime and in his. I want to go back to school--I miss it!!! I always loved it--I wasn't even absent-cuz i didn't want to miss a moment of it. I was actually known as "the perfect attendance girl". I hate being judged so quickly-that pple around me say that I don't want to make something of myself that I don't want to go back, because they are completely wrong... Living close to Matamoros isn't so beneficial. I don't know my way around that place. LOL I've been to my aunts and uncles but because my dad drove and usuallly I'd be keeping my own business at the back of the car-reading, drawing,listening to some music. Mainly because of all the fumes and gas that I've smelled on my way over there drove me nuts. It made me car sick and I'd get these really bad headaches. I've been to the Bus Station to go to my grandmas in San Luis and that's it. I'm sorry there...I've thought of leaving the work place these past days and I can't seem to find a way out. I want to, but I don't want to start at the bottom-you know what i mean? I've tried to relax these few days and it's sorta helping...I'm actually a really easy-going type of girl among friends, pretty quiet and keep to myself when not disturbed and I do love life but it's been throwing me some curved balls lately. I do need help and this I know...I appreciate everyone's thougths and concerns and once more I'm sorry if I caused some damage in our friendships, because that's what you all have shown me-friendship and care... --Maricruz Ohh by the way...I never inteded this to be Ioan's fault-obsession or pshyco kind of thing, because first of all I clearly stated that I'm not obsessed over him...his wedding just got me thinking on a lot of things...some mistakes and some things that I confused in life with wanting someone like him. You know that prince charming that everyone wants when we were little ones. but nothing more. I didn't want Ioan or his life--I just wanted peace and all the wonderful things that life has to offer.

Maricruz, At least for me, you haven't strained our friendship. You can post whatever you want. This post leads me to believe that you are just stressed and you need to make some changes in your life that will alleviate stress. It seems as if you and your family have money problems, and you are unhappy at work. So, you really need to start addressing those things and move forward. I don't know you at all, so I can't give you specific advice. But stress has so many negative impacts on your body, you need to try to reduce it. You obviously have internet access, so look up relaxation techniques on the web. Look into homeopathy, like Bach Flower remedies to help alleviate stress. And look into herbs that can help with mild depression, like St. John's Wort. Upping your intake of Vitamin B complex can help support the nervous system, as well. If you can't change your situation, you can change your outlook on it, and that will help immeasurably. I have been tremendously stressed at various times in my life, and I tried everything above. But, the only thing that had a lasting impact was getting myself out of the stressed situation. Yes, you may start at the bottom again at work, but if you are happier, then that is worth everything. And I know from experience on that one. So, I hope we hear from you again and that you are feeling better about things. GinaP :cool:

Like Gina, I hope to continue hearing from you and don't feel anything you've written has effected that. It does sound like you are going through a lot of family and financial stress right now. The best advice I could give is to keep in mind that nothing has to be permanent. In my late twenties, I realized I was waiting for "Prince Charming" to come rescue me. I was driving a school bus at the time and not happy doing it. That's when I made the decision to finish my B.A. I graduated when I was thirty and was one of the older students in the program, but I was so glad I did it. Now it is much more common for older students to go back, so don't ever give up on that dream. It would not hurt to talk to the financial aid counselor if you can and show where the money is going. There may be a different way to fill out the forms to get the aid you need. Doesn't always work, but it never hurts to ask. Hang in there. Make a plan and take it one tiny step at a time. :hug Gaffer's Girl

Like Gina and GG, I hope to continue hearing from you. Rest assured that anything you've said affected our friendship. Real friendship means being there for your friends when they're sad as well as when they're happy. I can't but join Gina and GG and subscribe to their advice. Life has this habit of dealing us bad times along with good times and nothing has to be forever. Don't be afraid of change and don't give up on your dreams. If you don't mind asking for the advice of financial aid counselors and look through school programmes, you may discover that there is a way to go back to school and change your life. :hug

Mari, there's no way we think badly of you at all! :hug .We set out to be a community to support each other and that's what we have become, I'm proud to say. Our original common bond is an interest in Ioan, but we go way deeper than that. I can understand, now you have explained a little further, how his wedding proved a catalyst for your emotions during such a stressful time for you. If it hadn't been the Wedding, it would probably have been something else, unrelated to Ioan. I agree with the Girls, the strength and answers lie within yourself. One thing I learned form my own therapy is, if something you perceive as 'bad' is happening to you, then choose it, in other words, find the strengths in it and build on them until you change it. (Easier said than done, I know. I put my family through considerable financial hardship when my children were small, in order to train as a paediatric nurse, but it was so worth the way it changed my life.)

I'm sorry that I'm about to say something that adds absolutely nothing to the true conversation going on here... but I just wanted to say: Ioan is lucky to have such sweet, loving, kind fans. All your responses are so kind. You don't see that on many forums anymore. :dance

Thankyou, Eva :hug. That's a lovely thing for you to say (and for us to be proud of!)

Hi you all!!!! :bye: I'm back I'm doing fine-I haven't left you my friends and I'm sorry that it actually took me this long to post back...I went ahead and went to the doctor last monday and I'm poud to say that I did it!!! :mex.wave: I followed your advice (all of you)!! I guess sometime around Saturday night of last week I was having another breakdown and I was putting it aside and ignoring it...I went out to the club with my boyfriend and things were getting worse:everything was so loud I was feeling nauceas. So I came home early. The following day I went to work and I was still feeling awkward and things were driving me mad :sad :hammer :breakdance :faint . I could hear everyone at the same time and everything was getting to me. :weeping I couldn't take it anymore. :nurse My dad took my blood pressure and said it was low, :nurse my mom gave me two advil and a baby aspirin and I went to bed early...That's when I decided to go to the doctor Monday morning and he told me that I had anxiety and depression... :crying Unfortunately it was what we all assumed and I'm taking some prescriptions to make me feel better: Hopefully!!!! :wink: And it has-they are the lowest dosage so I wont get hooked and I've been feeling better....But I'll probably stay on these for 6mths-1 yr. or maybe more. Let's pray it's no longer than that...Wish me luck!!! --Maricruz P.s. It's okay annee it's an honest mistake :hug !!!

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