Remember the "4 word game"?
I'm working on the old 4 word game to create it into one big story. A few days before Ioanonline closed, i saved everything on my computer. I was the one who started it and i loved that game, that's why i didn't want to lose it because i laughed so hard at this. Reading the weirdest and most crazy plot twists and turns. It's histerical and i want to thank everyone who participated in the best fanfic ever!! :mrgreen: :happy I gotta tell you, it's a LOT of work! So i try to update as much as i can (or want). This is what i've got so far. My tribute to the 4 word game: There was a ship that sailed very far. It's crew working hard. Before the worst storm waves crashed and roared all through the night. The ship rocking left n right! Men puking up overboard with winds that roared. The black-booted captain paced across the deck, hands clasped behind him. Wondering when it would settle down. He pondered if they would reach their final destination. Suddenly, ships upon the horizon appeared. They seemed to be signaling a ship that was in trouble because it hit a large deserted island, which was surrounded by craggy peaks in which lurked a large sea monster. It's scales glistened brightly and they were afraid. But gladly they had an enormous canon that shot it's head to bits... The captain was really happy. Now they could resume their duties and continue their journey to the remote Spanish coastal inlet, that housed a garrison which was inhabited by greedy pirates they had to destroy before the Spanish fleet lost all their ships. All of the sudden, they heard a loud thunderous explosion which was caused by a misfired nuclear missile coming from the rampart on the most unbeliveble great island, located north of a place that didn't have any running water. In the meanwhile, it became apparent that the food on board was losing ripeness and spoiling. So they had to find other fresh provisions. Ashore, they found a lush forest full of bananas, so the men could eat until they had plump little bellies. They got lost in the thick banana forest where they met a man who was riding an odd looking horse. The man questioned them, but they didn't know where the harbour was. Continuing on their journey they came to a small village where everything was unrealisticaly pocketsized and the villagers spoke gibberish and they all drank a thick green concoction that made them paranoid and walk around backwards because walking forwards caused them all to fall flat on their faces. Then they saw a vision burning in their eyes. It scared the crap out of them literally. So they just stood tall, heads up high, waiting for something to lead the way to the large village square, to recieve their message telling them where to find the secret message send by the queen, who was quite senile. Meanwhile back on the ship, all hell was breaking loose, when Horatio's crew was dousing flames on the ship's deck, which had caught fire due to a sigaret that someone dropped unexpectedlyat the sound of a loud and uncontrollable belch. He forgot to stamp out the cigarette that lit the deck and now they're in danger of losing the prime location they've found to sail to because someone told them to wait until further orders. They didn't listen and now look what happened! Half the crew is still ashore and tries desperately to find all the bananas that they had stuffed into a big canvas bag, hidden from the monkeys that lived on the island. But what nobody knew, they weren't monkeys, but pirates cursed by a cunning and evil sort to wander forests until either they're dead, or they eat enough chocolate or kill Horatio Hornblower. But fear not, readers. Our story ends not yet, cause there was one of those enormous saviour type chappies, poised to remove the curse from the monkeys and finally get those damn bananas aboard the ship. As Styles sways those bananas aboard, he suddenly cried out loud that Jack Sparrow was boarding. Which was certainly an unexpected turn, because Jack was supposed to be in prison because he had asked for the cursed gold to be taken back to the place it came from and more or less left there, for the pirates of the Caribbean of whom so many heard of and feared. Now, Jack finally escaped to the future in a Delorean made by a famous car company. But what nobody knew they lost along the way was Horatio himself. He was stuck in the Delorean's back trunk and to his dismay there was an enormous member of the LOTF trying to comfort Horatio. But, alas, he was feeling more claustrophobic than a butterfly in it's cocoon. He asked: "Who are you? What am I doing here, in this smelly trunk without clean underwear?" The girl giggled and said " Oh...you can borrow mine..." Horatio froze. "No Thanks”, and wondered why she would want him to wear women's underwear. He cleared his throut and politely suggested that they moved on with the mission, not the underwear situation at the moment because he was just having a weird moment with the dog and he had seriously considered to just forget what he was going to say, when Commodore Norrington arrived and opened the trunk to see whats inside, but found women's nickers instead. Norrington looked at Horatio who seemed to be turning red with embarrassement. "I...I...can explain..." he stuttered. "It's not exactly what you think...but I had to do something when I found myself harassed by insane girls from an other planet!" Commodore Norrington looked at him in fear. He jumped inside the car and drove straight into a curb..........CRASH!!!! Horatio then quickly ran to the car where Norrington was laughing because he always wanted to end up with a wrecked car. Horatio replied: “uh, I'm sorry, but why are you laughing so hard, Norrington?” "The adrenaline! This is so great, I never thought that I could possibly be involved in a car crash with the mighty Hornblower!" Its really kinda sad, but perverse and funny. Horatio walked away to see if there was anything he could do to help ease his sudden confusion about the sudden urge he had to crap, so he pulled his pants down and ran to the nearest bush and let loose. "Aaaaahhh, that's better! It is time we get going, so that we can finish the task.........What was the task? I can't remember because i'm thinking of sex and baked potatoes! So i bought some useful tools and toys to have some fun with Maria and the enormous coat that I found in the car's trunk.” When they saw Jack Sparrow and Jack Simpson Horatio Wondered: "How did they get to the car in the first place?” Anyway, he told Norrington to arrest Jack. Jack's eyes widened, and ran as fast as a cheetah until he crashed into a wall. He was somewhat stunned but quickly shook it off. A car in an alley, was heading for him, running him down, the car then suddenly vanished like a ghost. Norrington stared in disbelief and ran towards Jack, helping him up. After helping jack, he asked: "What just happened?" "Well, that was interesting," Jack replied. "I think I might go and get some rum, toodles!" Meanwhile, back at the Delorean car crash scene, a girl with a dog looked at the ground where a small worm crawled forward and came upon this weird scene of Horatio in a tree, struggling to don his enormous coat that he bought at a clothing store down the street. A place that sold really expensive trousers, shirts, and hats. The trouser's arse was missing, but he didn't care about it because he loved his naked and well tanned bum. As well as his muscular chest. He took great pleasure in being sun bathing with the better part of his now very warm body tanned as his bum. The woman, curious, went to examine Horatio's body to see if he was real or maybe a mannequin from the near future. Horatio looked like a Greek god because of his amazing body, she went closer and tried to wake him as he glistened because of the sunblock. As he woke up she had never seen him so amazingly handsome as he is now. She hands him a cold Guinness to savor as he drinks she stared at the only thing in her universe, which was her beloved Horatio with various exposed sunburn all over his back, but "don't worry", she said, blowing on softly and getting the response she'd always wanted. When suddenly there was a very nice and cool breeze, which made Horatio smile. Everything he always wanted, he saw in her eyes that made him want to marry her. He asked: "Would you make me the happiest man alive?" She thought about it, and then quickly went: "Not before trying out." He said: "Don't you go and see my magnificent naked body?" She laid her hands far away from Horatio because she really wanted to see what he would do if she did a backflip into Commodore Norrington, sending him flying into the pool of hungry alligators waiting for a tasty treat. He gave a great party for all the crew of the Indefatigable. Remembering he was still naked, he went to pick up his clothes from the drycleaner which he visited every year, because he was bored and thought his hat needed a funky new style which was more fashionable at the moment than the one that came before he had changed it all. Deciding that Norrington was dead, hornblower cooked an amazing chocolate cake with cherries and all.... "Norrington's alive!" the woman screamed, rushing to his very alive body. Norrington jumped up and shouted: "Why did you make this cake, you can't even cook, man! Whenever you cook theworld explodes and ends!" Horatio threw the cake straight at the huge ugly face of Norrington and then threw the cherries at him too. Realising he killed Norrington, Horatio sobbed like a man, and went about hiding the body in a new, bigger cake and send it to the Queen of Sheba because he knew that she was Pellew's lover. The cake was covered in whipped cream which Pellew covered himself in beforehe then dressed in womans clothes and danced the macerena and eat chocolate covered strawberries and jumped on the queen for a piggy-back ride over to Horatio. Norrington jumped out of the cake, "I'm alive! To the joy of me, myself and I." A shoot gun was heard by millions of rabid rabbits wearing clogs. They ran away. Horatio went after them, because he wanted to get their magical invisible stardust. All of a sudden Pellew and the queen returned from their midnight drag macerena dance club. They were very, very happy. Hornblower could macrena all night, but chose to breakdance, because he felt it was exciting. Suddenly, Norrington and Pellew happily joined Horatio and both did head spins at quite a fast rate and into a shark. Horatio pulled them from its mouth and sung 'Buffalo Girls' off key. Pellew cried and Norrington joined Horatio in singing. Meanwhile, in sunny Bognor, Arthur and Guinevere were on the beach sunbathing, waiting for Bors to bring the ice cream which was vanilla with broccoli. Their favorite. Lancelot whispers in Guinevere's ear sweet litttle nothings, Arthur was taking a bath with Norrington when he jumped out, realizing he he didn't see Guinevere because she had run into the fires of mount doom where they all did the macerena. All of a sudden Norrington fell down into the Crack of Doom. It was so dark. Lancelot went to save him even though he was doomed at Mount Rushmore. Abraham Lincoln's face made for a nice grip to climb up the very very steep forehead of George Washington. Ala North by Northwest, slid down the nose and fell into a big pool of snot which was so very unpleasant as he slipped falling right next to Lancelot preparing to repel the monster on shore. Horatio ran to rescue the dog which was about to go in. Meanwhile, Guinevere thought that it would be good to eat the ice-cream. Lancelot didn’t finish, but he had room for some fun with Gwinnie. Suddenly Horatio and Lancelot looked at eachother and realized that they were long lost twins and professional ice-cream tasters. Specializing in chocolat ice-cream. They agreed on going for the mint choc, which was very scrummy...All round their mouths turned a greenish colour filled with chocolat chips. Seeing a chocolat fountain they hurriedly dashed towards and jumped in to it. The chocolat fountain was owned by officer Lowe. He had a boat made of chocolat and had a great big castle also made of yummy gingerbread which housed the beautiful and incredibely nice Ioan lord awaiting a very important meeting with Horatio and Lancelot, to see if they could unite their godliness to make women bring them ice-cream of multiple flavours. When Guinevere arrived and told them they couldn’t have all the wonderful personalities, because she would always be the greatest. She respected the personailties but it just wasn’t enough. They weren’t as good as Norrington and Simpson, who she absolutely adored. Horatio looked at her and seemed to think that she was the most horrible person he knew. How could she prefer Arthur to Lancelot? It was something he couldn’t comprehend. The personalities looked at the cheese that was magical and told them to use it to kill Norrington and Simpson. They thought: “How the bloody hell can we kill them with cheese?” Instead they decided to push them in the bottomless ravine. That was so very dark that Gollum lived at the very far end. Lancelot was scared at first but wasn’t after the ravine turned out to be three meters deep. After three centuries pointlessly being trapped in the ravine, they carved steps into the rock and walked up to the great sunny surface when they realised they had left Gollum behind. They went back and got him. They offered Gollum some cheese which he accepted, but spit out after realising it had poison in it. "Nasty Hobbits". Gollum went unconscious and fell back in the ravine. Horatio left him and went to Bognor to get supplies for his following trip to the galapagos islands, where an amazing tresure was waiting for him. But he didn't remember where he left the charts to get to Galapagos. He had drawn the map, but could't remeber where he put it. Were this the first signs that Horatio was perhaps not as clever as his mother thought? Well, you never know what his IQ is because he's always doing brilliant. Meanwhile, Guinevere had re-awakened Simpson by kissing him. He lept up and shouted as loud as he could: “lets get married! Forget about everyone and everything and move on to my sexy self!” Guinevere shuddered, calling for help. Lancelot cried: "Guinevere, I'll save you!" He ran through the woods and caught guinevere on his studly charger and kissed her, but missed her lips. So an embarrassing lancelot looked in her ear, which was what he thought was the most amount of earwax. He could not believe he was evaluating ear wax on the women he was in love with. Lancelot was so shocked and embarrased that he suddenly started to dance the macerena once more and sing something silly. 'The cheeky song' was his favourite song in the dance competition. He loved dancing around like a crazy monk that has seen a banana. He won 1st prize which was a huge banana tree. He thought: “wow, i think ill go and sell the banana's on Ebay. These bananas are very fashionable, so everybody wants them.” With the small fortune Horatio got one of those amazing new yachts that turns into a pumpkin just like Cinderellas and also an aeroplane. With a picture of his dear and beloved Mariah. She takes beautiful pictures of herself. Horatio always likes to take walks in the park with Archie and Bush and enjoy the feeling of wind blowing through his long and curly hair while Archie was talking with him and saying something not so...clever and quite embarasing that made Horatio blush. He said: "When did you ever have such an incredible experience to make you just adore looking at Mariah's beautiful eyes?” Bush saw a butterfly, but unfortunately, he didn't see the pond and fell in to it. Bush was very wet and confused. Archie looked very thirsty, so he reached to the pond and Bush splashed Archie with water. Then Archie also reached the pond and splashed Bush with water. Now Horatio thought he'd splash someone with water and Bush and Archie splashed him before he even had chance to react. Suddenly they saw something in the water, so Horatio jumped to the pond and realised it was a letter from captin pellew for himself. Horatio was supprised and opened it and saw a funny picture of Bush, who was dancing macarena with Archie. horatio laughed and sang with a funny voice until Bush splashed him with cold water and started the water fight again. After a while they got bored and and decided to go board a ship for a couple of hours. Headed to Gilligan's Island. Ashore, they met Gilligan who was dancing macarena and enjoying the music with Lancelot who was smiling and laughing about the most silliest thing. Meanwhile, in sunny Ibiza a huge party was taking place with fireworks and sparklers. "This is burning my arse mr. Hornblower", said Styles in a voice filled with awe and anguish. Horatio sighed in resignation and said: "That's so much hot air, Styles. I am going to Antarctica to cool off now.” Stepping into the Tardis, Horatio hummed a happy tune while he thought of a way which he didn't understand, but still reached antarctica while macerena-ing. It was cold enough to freeze the pants off anybody, even the penguins. Horatio raised his eyebrow, at the sight of a huge penguin dancing the macarena with Styles, Matthews and Hunter in a mambo line. Horatio happily joined in, until they saw a walrus, heading their way. Horatio screamed like a girl and started running in the opposite direction. Little realizing that he ran towards the walrus! He quickly jumped on the walrus, telling it with a magical stick to fly across matthews. The walrus threw horatio so far that he suddenly noticed that he was not in the place where he just thought he was. So he took a map finding he was in China. He was confused. Deciding Wales was much more for him than China. Mean time, Norrington decided to join Horatio in Welsh clogging. They bought a lovely pair of sunglasses and headed back to the Indefatigable. Pellew felt hungry so decided he wanted pizza. He got into the tardis and went to Italy to see the beautiful sights and the catacombs. Then he decided to go back to Portsmouth to see the wonderful fleet of sailing ships. He decided to have his crew take the first wind blowing north to the end of the gulf stream. Meanwhile a rabbit/dalek hybrid decided to stow away like the Marx Brothers aboard the indefatigable. whenever there were problems, they were always around! Bush thought something was up, so he went to see what was going on in the cake factory which made peanuts which tasted like chicken. Bush ate some and grew very tall and climbed up the tallest tower. Horatio saw that Bush had grown three feet taller than he ever was before! Horatio got jealous and decided to jump off a hill and land in a wildflower field. He started sneezing so violently that he almost blew all of the flowers away. He picked up a package of Claritin-D so he could stop sneezing, because he was allergic to flowers. All of a sudden a cat walked up the tower where Bush was hiding from the giant spider that had carried Horatio away to Never Never land. Bush knew the cat was totally harmless but something about its whiskers told Horatio that it’s nature wasn't as innocent as it seemed, so he waved his magic hat in order to turn the cat into a horse, instead of wishing. He rode furiosly to the local Burger King and ordered five massive burgers to feed his division. They hated burgers and gherkins, so they went instead to their local Subway restaurant and ate french fries and doughnuts and then felt fat, but carried on eating and, of course, drinking their daily rum ration. Still hungry they ate Simpsons vittles in revenge. He got furious and danced the macerena to Canada with his old mate the famous and daring Captain Jack Sparrow. "Take some rum, me lad" said Jack, as they all looked perplexed by Simpson tying down Captain Jack Sparrow's shoelace correctly. When suddenly a massive ice cream came rolling down just like an avalanche on a snow planet filled with raspberry ripple and coated with chocolat. 'Well that's interesting", said Sparrow, covered in chocolat. Horatio took a bite and Sparrow said "OUCH!" He realised that a hungry Horatio bit him. Sparrow yelled: "Vast eating makes you fat." He cried, so decided to push Sparrow into a huge pool of milkshake he couldn't get anyone to drink, because Styles had peed into a bottle which was filled with very important fish sticks from farthest reaches of the ocean. In the distance a shilloette of Pellew loomed. "Mister Hornblower, your report on chocolate ice-cream is a master piece!” "Thank you, sir, but I feel that without the help of Mister Bracegirdle, it would be just another fantasy. Please destroy the report. Nobody should be prejudiced by studying ice-cream for it's ability to travel through time." Pellew turned to face the beautiful Rose deWitt Bukater who was Edward's true, one and only true pet name for Horatio. It started to snow, so Horatio made snowmen and looked for Sharpe who had just done a flip in the middle of a crowd and hit someone who appeared to be doing nothing, then Sharpe noticed that he wasn't wearing any pants. "OK, that's really embarrassing!" "Sharp!" Yelled Horatio. "Go hide behind that Bush and steal his trousers!" Sharpe followed Horatio's advice and Bush ran behind Horatio who held on to his pants. He laughed at Sharpe, pointing Bush's pants were pink with 'I love Wham!' emblazoned on his rear. "Where did you get those fetching undergarments?”asked Horatio. "I think Sharpe lent me them because he preferred no pants to new-fangled frilly pink boxer shorts.” Sharpe looked quite embarrassed as he ran away, bum gleaming. Bush was still hiding and Horatio continued to laugh his ass off. "Fetch Sharpe Mr. Bush. Before he scares all the rats away!" "Though that one rat loves to sit in your large and rather comfortable pocket. But I wouldn't trust it while naked. You see, it's actually Alice in disguise, guttermaiden.” A shocked Horatio replied: "Don't be silly. The rat can't be anything." "Yes it can", replied a more experienced Bush. "We can have it sit on naked Sharpe's sword.” “The rat's gone," wept Horatio "I can't cook it! I wanted to make "Styles Stew" as I rather like the taste of rats." The crew looked at Horatio, a little worried. Sharpe, however was not bothered. He was naked. Rat perched on his broad shoulder. "This is great! now we can go into battle together. My rat can bite enemies ferociously, and he guards my bare bum whilst inside my trousers.” Sharpe thought to himself: What a perverted rat! But if she protects people's bums, she must be an alright kinda rat. I guess I’ll go and get something to cover my bum as it's rather drafty and my rat needs some ventilation also perhaps some trousers with holes in the back, so she can peep right past the gaurds yet hide from the rat-stew making Horatio.

What a lovely and brilliant idea, HH! And what memories reading the story so far brought back! Thankyou. :hug

Cozy inside Sharpe's pants, the rat settled in, exploring her new environment. What she found was very pleasing to her, but she still missed wild open spaces, although Sharpe's body was very skinny and not attractive. So she left Sharpe and made Horatio scream as she jumped into his rather comfortable and baggy trousers. She had just closed her eyes resting on a certain large and warm surface, enjoying a well deserved ice cream. Suddenly she screamed cause she saw a tiny worm that was dancing like a Don Juan DeMarco. It had a tiny moustache and a black mask and it spoke with a strange accent that no one could understand. " 'ello..My name is DonjuanDeMarco (says really quickly). MecomefromSpain..(quickly) andmegotguitar andmesingaballad thatsagonnamake youdancelikeacrazy sailordancingamacarena!" 'What?” she said and started laughing.The worm stayed serious and looked quite hurt but began to play its little castanets. Horatio could feel little rat feet dancing. "Oh my!" said Horatio. “That feels so good! I think I could really get used to having a rat in my trousers.” Bush raised an eyebrow at the amusing sight which had Horatio dancing macarena "Can i have your rat for a while? I want to feel happy and dance too." Horatio asked his rat if she would like a tour of Bush's pockets, but the rat wanted to stay because she liked Horatio and just couldn't leave. Bush felt really sad but there wasn't really anything to do but find another LOTF rat to dance like a crazy sailor dancing macarena cause that would really make his pants dance too! All of a sudden Bush saw something that took the smile off his face. Horatio was staring into emptiness and looked really bizarre. Bush walked closer to see what was wrong with Horatio when he started to laugh like a crazy guy who had caught his attention: "What... are you laughing about?" Horatio looked at Bush. "I just saw a Mexican worm dancing and talking with a silly latino accent that was so funny that I couldn't stop myself from dancing and singing with the tiny Mexican worm and when I think of my rat Alice dancing on my bum I just get all exited when rat feet really tickle me and make me dance like Lord of the dance!" Meantime Archie was sitting right next to a disgruntled Sharpe, mad at Alice the rat for jumping into Horatio's trousers while Archie was rat-less. Poor Archie, without a rat in his pants. Horatio felt so sorry for him, that he bade Alice scurry around in Archie's pockets, but the rat had her mind set. She would stay snuggled in Horatio's boxers. Archie grabbed the bug spray and wondered: “will this take care of that annoying little creature?” She was very aware of the situation and started to panic and did something odd: she jumped overboard and swam right next to Syles taking a dip. Horatio immediately dived in to rescue his beloved rat who was in danger of being eaten by vicious grey dolphins which was odd because usually dolphins don't eat. They were only interested in mice cause rats spend too much time dancing like a crazy frog. I hate that. Meanwhile, Styles was swimming until he came upon a mangrove swamp. Stiles grabbed hold of a thing that appeared to be a green slimey little shark that had the whole collection of Sharpe DVD’s in a tiny cardboard box that had a picture of Tom Cruise on it. Which is bizarre cause Tom Cruise was Horatio's first celebrity crush. He couldn't resist the pretty face of Tom so he ordered styles to get an extreme make-over so that he could look like Tom Cruise. Styles exclaimed “No way! But I might agree if you pay me, sir” "Name your price", said Horatio, already getting the money from his pocket. Styles looked at the Tom picture, looking worried, so he decided to take out the trash as Horatio prepared lipstick. "I'm worried", said Horatio, "that Styles won't agree with the colour. but i'll put it on anyway and he can just kiss my ass." Horatio went to Styles, ready to put some sence into him by turning him into one of the world's handsomest guys. Styles was so disappointed at the colour of Horatio's lipstick that he confiscated the makeup and threw it into the water when a humongous fish suddenly jumped and swallowed the lipstick. Then the fish began to sing and dance the craziest dance Horatio has ever seen, so he began to laugh so hard that he began to feel sick and all of the sudden Dr Doom entered and threatened Horatio's rat with star billing at a ultra exclusive caribbean hotel that also had a "rat platter" on the barbecue. "Oh, well!" Horatio said, "A star one day, a dessert the next.” A dessert Styles gobbled up as fast as his nashing teeth could bite down. "Delicious", muttered Styles, as Alice tried to take his teeth out of her delicious bum. Horatio exclaimed: "That's my rat! You rat-napping villain! Take your hands off her! Or I will have to give you a large round of applause and a major spanking! You very bad boy!” Suddenly, a big black scaly dragon came bursting on the horizon larbourd. With little time to prepare a defensive canon, horatio threw a shoe at it hoping for a response of a long, loud gasp which came abruptly from Bush. Horatio had missed his target entirely, so he blushed sweetly and hugged Bush but then took off his shoe leaving him barefoot and wiggled his toes in delight, forgetting the dragon that carefully tried sneaking up behind him and kiss him right on his painted lips. "How dare you smudge my lipstick!" pouted horatio.

Great idea, HH!

What great memories that brings back, thanks HH!

“I didn't like the lips of a dragon”, he sneered haughtily to a very frightened Bush. "No, I'm sure it suits you, Sir!" Bush replied, his disgust evident as the scowl spread across his even features. There was little time to prepare for another smooch on the lips as Horatio was falling overboard into the sea. He gasped, the water was getting into his trousers and Alice was sneezing, so Horatio surfaced treading once more in the dragon's big green wingspan. “Alice, get on top of my head of luscious hair!"Horatio shouted. "Fly, Dragon, fly!" The monster, Horatio and Alice flew off into the sunset. Above them floated a great big hot air balloon with Archie hanging out of the tangled riggings, calling: "Help, Help, Horatio!" and started to lose grip. "Archie! Jump!" shouted Horatio, but Archie was rat-aphobic and the rat snarled scaring Archie s***less, but Horatio managed to calm the rat, because it batted its eyelashes at Archie who almost leapt down to Alice, but decided to stay on his perilous perch of the deflating balloon. Horatio called again: "Jump on the dragon, or something bad will happen!” "Worse than this?" screamed Archie. "Do you want the rat to jump and bite your bum?!" "That might feel good, but then you couldn't have her dance on your Macarenas, old chum! That feels much better”, sighed Archie. "When did you learn how to jump through hoops holding a parrot and a wet rat? Let's go back and find the magic lamp to wish for a dancing chicken that can lay golden eggs." They rubbed the magic lamp vigorously and to their surprise a dazzling looking female genie sputtered out the spout dressed in only scarfs. All the men gasped in amazement to see where she kept her wallet. "Who dares to bring a rat into my domain? You will bow down to me and then you will make your 3 wishes.” Horatio winked at Archie. Archie thought horatio had something in his eye, so he lent in his dragon's tongue to lick horatio's pretty face. "I wish you didn't do that right now. Trying to concentrate on the genie.” Bush felt deeply embarrassed, so he sucks his thumb and cried: "I want my Cymru dragon since you don't want to hug me, because eveyone wants to hug Michael Jackson for some weird reason.” Bush, like a diva, demanded more make-up and he ended up sharing lipstick with Horatio. "Mmmm, cherry flavour!" he exclaimed as he smooched Bush again for good and even coverage. "what a tasty treat. I believe i've never had anything like that before.” Horatio jumped onto the Titanic that swooshed past. Sword in hand ready. 5th officer Lowe, who met Horatio on deck, ate a red apple. "You look familiar!" he exclaimed. "Quite handsome too." Horatio began to blush, his face matching his red underwear. And Lowes! "I came here to save the day while Titanic continues to sink. Is that Styles wearing his Tom Cruise disguise? What makes you think you can make me fall in love with your beautiful face?" Horatio replied to Styles disguise with an added wink. "I thought i'd surprise you, I know how you love him in heels." Lowe took Horatio's hand and took him to the nearest pub and nobody heard from them. So they shared Guinness, who was very surprised! "I just cannot believe you've both mistaken me for a pint”, she answered, trying to forget both their hands were all over her. "We're searching for sweets" Horatio replied. "We're hungry and and we need to eat! Bring us some chocolate and jelly beans." "I dont have any", was the confused reply of Guiness. "Well, then you need to buy some right away before we have to jump back onto the ship to avoid being swept away by a giant wave which is heading this way! Come with us and you can be our personal float to transport us to Captain Hammond's house to play whist all night and dance in heels." "I don't know how we came to be dancing the macerena again. Can you please stop." The wave swept them out of Hammonds house and back to the Indy where they were assured of being safe under Captain Pellew's protection. However, captain Pellew wasn't who they thought he was, so they started to interrogate him. "Who said you could put me on trial here?" He retorted, annoyed and puzzled. “I have nothing to hide, except for my love for Horatio, who has been like a dream come true.” Horatio's heel got caught. He is just so super sexy i can't resist his charming ways. Horatio, stunned at this, blushed endearingly and took Sir Edward's hand, saying: “Your hands are soft! do you use moisturiser?" Slowly, Sir Edward replied: "you inspired me to use the scented lotion and it's making my hands as soft as a baby's bottom, you handsome sailor, you!" Horatio smiled, then ran out bumping into Christian Bale. "oh no! not another welsh hottie! I can't take this any longer!" Captain Pellew fainted. Christian attempted to revive the bottle of lotion, so he could use it. Then took his shoes. He loved those heels. "Wait!" cried Horatio after hugging Pellew. " You can take me if you want, but don't take the lotion! Its my most personal thing after my mobile phone, ofcourse." Horatio thought about how life would be so much better if he could stretch every part of his body. "I can stretch my eyelashes and also my navel," giggled Horatio. "Would you like to see a demonstration of my wonderful and lovely little rat or perhaps a toe to stretch 5 inches and then it could do something fantastic like carrying the rat all the way to fighting top of the mizzenmast?" Lowe took his hat off because it made his hair look all flattened like a two-day-old pancake. He couldn't look like that because Horatio was partial to a riot when there was no dancing to be done.

Lowe's hair was inappropriate for the occasion, so he stuck his head into a vat of chocolate chip cookie dough that came from Willy Wonka's hat. "Eww, this has dandruff all over the chocolate, you can't possibly eat that now. You'd get Wonka cooties!" Absolutely disgusted at that possibility, all Wonka consumers beware and give all chocolate to the very brave. Lowe was so scared of Wonka that he turned and ran as fast as his stolen sack of cookies would let him move before tumbling out, leaving cookies strewn all over the deck. Thousands of seagulls and seamen grabbed Bush, Lowe and Horatio and stole the cookies. Then they began to dance the macarena in silly looking outfits made of frills and sequins. As a red Horatio matched Styles sequined dress and took off in embarassment of all the commotion. He called Mr. Bush and they tried to get rid of the pink skirt which was dragging on the ground and getting all dirty. It had Willie's dandruff all over it so they threw it, caught by seagulls who began attacking Bush. Suddenly Hob ran up to Mr. Fantastic and pulled hard on his appendage which popped up and then out of his pants, knocking seagulls many miles away. Then seagulls all screamed: "Mine!" as they grabbed Horatio. Flying away with him to Never Neverland, where Peter Pan sprinkled Wonka's dandruff as a "sickening" agent on Horatio's newly-polished sword. "You can't touch me Peter.” In fact, it wasn't Horatio, but Lowe disguised. Suddenly Peter magically changed into a dalmation. Lowe magically changed into Kevin and looked the dalmation straight in the big brown puppydog eyes. He loved the dalmation. Even knowing it was not quite what he seemed. Peter's eyes glinted as he realised that Peter was vey hungry. Peter, being a little prone to scurvy, he craved lemons and limes. but he had something more juicy in mind. The glint in Peter's eyes said it all, so Horatio gave him the Lucas smile and turned, jumping into the blue sea that Bush was completly and totally in love with and said: "I've been secretly seeing a dolphin, that is learning to speak English. I'm now going to ride the dolphin to the West Indies and have a huge party with lots and lots of welshcakes made by the wonderful and brilliant Kennedy, using the "studmuffin on the beach" with lots of sugar and rasins”. With a secret ingredient, Horatio and Archie stood motionless staring at the dolphin and Bush swimming in the deep blue sea. Then he tried to float, remembering he can't swim. But the dolphin could swim. Then they towed Bush over to Cornwall and decided to enjoy a dolphin meal, followed by chocolate pudding! Then he decided to make red velvet cake. "Mine!" Exclaimed Horatio. He angrily shoved all the cake and pudding into his magic hat and left Bush all alone. Suddenly Lancelot rode up, almost trampling Horatio's magic hat. Brandishing his two swords. Lancelot rode hard all night with the intent of finding me! He came across a huge mill which looked shabby and scary but Lancelot, fearless knight, was so brave, so that he began to read Don Quixote and struggle with the Spanish. Archie hadn't taught him much, but he thought it said to charge it to Archies account. When Archie found out he wasn't at all happy about it, so he decided to play Lancelot along and make a very nasty prank. It involved some very pretty women in revealing swimsuits. Archie told them to charge Lancelot for taking a look at the hot chillie sauce coating the girl's bums, reflecting the blinding sun. So Archie grabbed the electric shaver and said: "Chili sauce reflects sun?" "It's not your horse's fault, Lancelot", Horatio said. He was minding his own business when all hell broke loose because all the women screamed: "Bum Raiders, to Horatio!" Horatio blushed, kissed Lancelot and licked the chilli off the bum raiders. Inviting Archie to join in the chili food-fight, making Archie feel much better about licking chili off bum raiders' bums, when they'd just wanted to borrow their phone. But Lancelot's horse was jumping into the chili to join in on the festivities, when suddenly the chilli started to explode. Lancelot fell. Cursing, as the bum raiders jumped on him, starting to lick chili from everywhere on his armor, as Hoss grabbed a tight hold of both Lancelot and Horatio. Yanking them away from the other raiders and smothering them with kisses. A mysterious creature appeared, a mythological Rox Fox that happened to like lots of things, particulary Horatio, Lancelot and horse! Most importantly the fox liked bum raiding particularly! So Foxy, Sarita and Hoss, not being too selfish, pounced on the poor horse and scooped up Horatio and Lancelot, saying: "Follow me, girls! We'll tie them up and have our way with them while Archie watches or joins. Grab the whipped cream!" Lancelot yelled. But Archie had different ideas. He grabbed chocolate syrup instead, calling for Lancelot to bring his leather thong and take off his Wham! fan t-shirt that was already half-torn off by his hungry horse Hoss. When Lancelot sprayed cream all over himself, Hoss went down on her knees... to find her earring! Lancelot, trying to help, accidentally snapped the thong and fell off onto Hoss who was still rolling around in cream. "Help!" sobbed Archie, "Hoss forgot to chocolate me! Get me some caramel?" StevieT came running on a tradmill that strangely reversed direction, sending StevieT screaming into Archie who hugged her tight and begged her for chocolate. "Take it, take it!" he said. "but I have to..." "Don't forget the caramel." "Where are the nuts?" "Horatio has them in his pocket with Alice." So he took them out and began to sprinkle them over Archie as he dragged StevieT off, while hopping over Lowe and Lancelot,who had fallen dancing macerena, Lancelot sans thong.

Oh, my God! :blush2: I had totally forgotten about Archie and the nuts! (frantically tries to remember other parts which may compromise her now exalted position....... "But, but Sir, I was a lowly seaman then! A mere youth!......."

"Oh, yum!" said Archie. “These nuts taste so nutalicious!! Let's have a taste, everybody!" So they passed it on, until everyone was covered in nuts except for Hoss, who was covered in Horatio and Lancelot's kisses as they started stripping off all of their clothes, piece by piece, to go swimming. Archie warned them about a ship coming their way, but they didn't listen and were so embarrassed when they saw Pellew glaring at them askance. As the raiders dunked, Horatio signaled with his mittens which Archie had knit. It was his first attempt at doing it underwater without breathing. "Darn this cross-stitch!!" Horatio said, catching his hair in a stich. "Signal with this instead!" Archie gave him a "L"-monogrammed chocolate-covered leather thong. "I want one of those too!" screamed Hoss. "With Lancelot inside it!" Lancelot winked and signaled and his horse responded, bringing saddlebags full of treasures from Sarita's trove of yummy squishy delights of ice-cream. suddenly Bush leapt aboard Lancelot's horse, attempting to steal the leather thong for his sweetheart Rox Fox, who rather thought she'd like seeing him in it. But really preferred Horatio to try it on. Horatio gladly obliged, and realizing its purr-fect fit, then danced the macarena while Lancelot tried tango, but fell in the heels, getting tangled up with Hoss, who loves tango almost as much as Lancelot's horse. But high-heels were killing him, so she took them off as well as his thong with her teeth. Lancelot yelled: "free at last! To indulge my wildest fantasies in comfort with my dream girl or dream horse. I can't decide which one! They are both so much fun to ride! Which one tangoes better?” While he was deciding, his horse came up towing Bush by the frilly green dress he stole off of Roxy. Ioan watched in shock as the raiders saw Lancelot full moon. "Why are you au naturale?" Lancelot replied: "Because I want to do something to shock Bush, but he is too busy dancing around in his high heels and green garter. " Lancelot fainted at the sight and then asked if he was still naked since he couldn't tell, being blindfolded. Horatio removed the blindfold and said: "Let's play tag, but first put your sword in a sand dune and grab the suitcase you wanted to keep your dress and leather collection in. Put on some clothes before you get sunburned or cut yourself with that. Try on the new sunblock by L'oréal.” "Who wants to rub it into my Hoss?" Lancelot volunteered, squeezing lotion on Hoss' back and everywhere else, while Ioan enjoyed a skinny-dip with several raiders, who frolicked and splashed Ioan till he begged for mercy. As soon as Horatio noticed, he leapt into the fray and defended poor Ioan. Luckily, Horatio left his sword nearby and jumped to the sand dunes, swinging wildly, scaring Hoss and Lancelot as his sunburned bum was getting some TLC. They sprang into action, tackling Horatio and sword shimmying, when suddenly a gigantic wave splashed down, revealing Julian McMahon with evil grin in place and his red speedo on, swimming towards Ioan. Determined look in his eye, hand out and ready to grab Ioan and sink his teeth into Ioan's bum. Ioan, inches away, began screaming for Lancelot and desperately swimming away towards safety. His trunks slipping, enticing Julian to greater speed as he swam. Disregarding modesty for safety, Lancelot looked for his sword and leapt to help his friend as Julian closed the distance and grabbed for Ioan's little red speedo. Then Lancelot dove in and kicked some butt! Julian, Ioan's speedo in hand, pulled hard and ripped it off as Lancelot screamed in horror. He realised Julian was biting him instead of Ioan, so he quickly kicked Julian in the :censored , making him let go and start drowning. But Julian wouldn't give up as he fought for air and Lancelot. When suddenly, Horatio appeared with the raider backup. Fiercely ready to defend what was theirs alone. Julian took one look, screamed like a girl, and turned around, swimming frantically in the opposite direction. While he knew he couldn't get away. He was afraid of the raiders. They came on to his bum with vengeance and started whacking it pretty hard. Julian, again, tried swimming away but the temptation was too great, he loved having the hero part of being spanked by bum raiders. Then Ioan got jealous of Julian's red speedo and wanted it bad. So, while the raiders were keeping him busy, Ioan snuck up on the exhausted Julian and splashed him in the face with a pot, so he could grab that most wanted speedo. He knew he would have trouble getting it off of Julian's bum without help, so he called over Lancelot and Hoss, who whistled for Lancelot's horse to help terrify him into giving up his speedo, without evilly mooning the raiders. This plan didn't work, so Lancelot grabbed the Speedo while Hoss grabbed Lancelot. Lancelot shrieked and promptly forgot about Julian. Ioan grabbed Julian before he got away with the vaunted speedo. Ioan cheered loudly while the raiders held Julian down and finally stripped the tiny red Speedo off as Ioan shrieked and recoiled from the sight of Julian's hairy bum, demanding Archie's electric razor. With Archie as barber he gave Julian a shave. Julian howled miserably. Ioan tried on the Speedo, and looked much bigger than Julian had. His slenderness emphasized his huge :censored so well and his swimmer's bodytype, the raiders couldn't help grabbing that attractive bum. Overwhelmed with pleasure, Roxie coyly pulled down Ioan's face to hers and said gently, "Ioan, your new Speedo is lovely!" Ioan softly whispered back: "Why, thank you roxie, I can also take *your* clothes off too." "Thanks but I'd prefer a kiss first before getting to know you. Even better by moonlight."

“OK, I feel better about waiting if you want to take it to the dancefloor to tango in the Coco Bongo with some of my animal friends.” “I don't love you”, said the chimpanzee to Ioan, but Ioan said: "Kevin does!" and introduced Bubbles to Kevin. Later, Ioan and Rox were doing the macerena again, but something bad was coming their way. Something red flying through the haze, making it absoultely beautiful and then realised it was Julian's speedo. Rox looked at Ioan, all petrified. "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!" Ioan had been wearing a matching green speedo, because wearing Julian's red bathrobe made him shiver. The speedo was giving him a wedgie, so Ioan begged Rox not to walk away, but to unwedgie him. Rox tenderly pulled down the speedo to reveal more than anyone bargained. For then suddenly she woke up and realised she had fainted. Hoss was cackling with Lancelot before Lancelot said: "Hoss, Ioan doesn't think it’s funny that poor Roxy shouldn't have done that. Instead, she should have got some chocolate spread and buttered him up.” He invited over Sarita, keeper of the syrup for finger-lickin' good fun, to fulfill his wish: being dipped in chocolate, sandwiched between two very ecstatically happy bum raiders. Rox and Sarita loved dipping and licking Ioan's biscuits he had. Hoss giggled at the euphemism and Ioan giggled at the fact he was dripping chocolate all over his body, including his raiders' favorites, which were best left unmentionable! Ioan returned the favor by applying chocolate to Rox. Slowly and thoroughly, while promising Sarita she was next in line for the sensual application of chocolate syrup, rubbed deep into every crevice. Ioan wondered why Julian had been so quiet, but Horatio had wedgied Julian's speedo so tight he was incapable of speech. But still trying to fondle Ioan's chocolate-covered bum. Ioan turn around quickly, yelling: "Sic him, Roxy!" Roxy bravely threw her body in front of Ioan, intent on protecting his lovely assets, as Julian grinned evily, looking forward to grabbing and squeezing Rox's bum on the way to grabbing Ioan's. The thought of plundering clouded his thinking. Julian stumbled over Mr Bush, crying over losing Roxy. Tears splattering his frilly jealous-green dress. He angrily accused Rox, but her adorable puppy-dog expression saved her from having to explain the reason why she left him for Ioan. Bush started singing a terrific Queen song and mixing the lyrics up, rhyming 'rum' with 'bum', and "some" and "yum". Laughing at the silliness as Rox joined in. “I'm sorry, I love you William, but Ioan is better equipped to please me in every biscuit-craving way that a woman could possibly desire. Even Hoss thinks my love’s quite irresistible, despite her Lancelot crush.” Bush looked hopefully at Roxy, wanting to prove he could really listen and fulfill her desires, but Rox's heart belonged completely to Ioan, forever. At this point, Julian regained his voice and suddenly shouted: "Why can't you eat my cake? I made it especially for you. But I added a few of my favorite special ingredients and made space cake! Eat some and you will feel the power!" Surprised, everyone stared in utter silence at Julian, wondering how hard he'd tried to get the starfish and algae off the rocks to make his dripping "special" cake. Hoss stifled a laugh, but no-one else did. The raucous laughter set in amongst everyone, leaving Julian behind with his cake and red speedo. Alone and cold, as if they had no sweet tooth for cake. Rox and Sarita were signalling with Ioan when suddenly some suspicious bubbles flew from the sky, a la Phantom Zone. Landing in front of Ioan, slowly opening their little alien heads. "Help us please find our special purpose, Commander!" Horatio took his gun with a confused look in his eyes and aimed it at their bubble. “Ioan, what should we do with them?" Ioan scratched his head and suddenly had an inspiration. "Your purpose is to plunder Julian's bum!” The aliens saluted Ioan, rushing off to comply, ran towards Julian who had abject horror in his eyes, screaming incoherently. Ioan was fairly sure he could manage to save Julian's shoes but decided he didn't have to save the red speedo, as he had a pain in his hand from where Julian had pulled his finger and it seemed as if he could never get plasters with teddies on. Suddenly, out of the blue, a red speedo came flying courtesy of James Sawyer and his band of merry men! Julain being one. He was almost killed by Horatio, who knocked him on the head with a baseball bat. Sawyer wanted to play ball but Horatio went too far in asking Sawyer to throw the first ball right into Julian's bathroom window. Julian screamed: "Aaaaaaaahhhh!!" He got some talcum powder to throw on the rash that was caused by wedgies. Julian muttered: "Horatio has got to give more thought to these bloody rash-causing implements, otherwise we will have to go commando. Who is with me, boys?” Of course everyone followed Ioan as he ran towards Julian with his pants round his ankles. At That very moment, mobs of drooling women were grasping for the talcum powder and :censored "Wait!", yelled Ioan. “Get ready for a great cloud of talcum power, otherwise I will not let anyone into my ship!” They obeyed and the bum raiders, in a heartbeat, became distracted by a huge bolt of lighting coming from the western horizon. So they tried to run but got electrocuted and fried their little mobile phones. So Horatio got his mobile out and went straight to the poop deck whilst Bush did the macerena between Styles and Matthews, who started shaking their bonbons on the rhythm along with their friends, Captain Sawyer and Archie. After the dance finished they went to the ship where the weapons were cleaned by captain Sawyer. From that moment, Sawyer was da man. I'm halfway now, so there's still a lot more to come!

Horatio, however, did not feel the same. He knew Sawyer's insanity would cause great troubles and decided to take action. So he took his trusty Hoss and ran for the hills to find Sir Edward Pellew. He was preparing a very large surprise for Archie and Horatio, but couldn't find his trusty Hoss, who had run towards Julian. Meanwhile Matthews and Archie dove off in captain Sawyer's new lingerie, swimming towards shore. They then rescued Hoss while Piccine and Julian sang a song with Sawyer, Bush and Archie. Meanwhile, Pellew's plan was put into motion. Pellew, Bush and Piccine went shopping for a new uniform to give McMahon. Bush picked out a fetching red dress that matched the "bling"-accessories and Julian's red speedo matched perfectly. Meanwhile, Hoss was trying to prevent Sawyer from breaking Horatio into little pieces! Luckily Piccine stopped Sawyer just in time, by biting his hand. So Horatio seized his chance and fled the scene. Fortunately, Sarita was nearby with the syrup and her treasure trove to lure Horatio into the hands of the IBRP, who kissed every ouchie making poor Horatio feel exhausted. After resting, he went to the window and saw his ship. A vengeful Sawyer was on deck with a voodoo doll of Horatio. Stabbing needles in his bum, making the IBRP angry and dangerous. Sawyer didn't know his peril, blissfully stabbing away. But the IBRP were marshalling a surprise attack on Julian, Hoss and Piccine, who Sawyer had caged some time before. Julian had chance to pinch Ioan's bum. Meanwhile, he realized Hoss wasn't caged and they both helped the IBRP charge Sawyer, whilst yanking his underpants in retribution for the dastardly raid planned on the IBRP headquarters onshore and for caging Hoss! Archie, who was chatting to Horatio, turned and yelled: "Iceberg! Right ahead!!" Horatio ran to the wheel to find it lashed and Sawyer laughing evilly. Lowe, the iceberg expert, called in the torch dude to help cast his flames at the monster iceberg, melting pieces that fell harmlessly away. After that, Doom went and warmed his hands before being pinched by Piccine, who was helping him plot evil deeds against Mr. Fantastic and his IBRP. Doom was jealous of the bum raiders' attention and that Reed reciprocated only for them, not enjoying Dooms advances in the slightest. Although Piccine mitigated Dooms wrath by making herself available for any bum duty Doom might require in Reed's presence. Piccine agreed and became The Substitute Bum, while Sarita and Hoss covertly spied on Doom's abuse of Piccine's tender sirloin, looking for weaknesses in him. Meanwhile Horatio rubbed his red bum, wondering who had got to it with the spaghetti tongs. It turned out to be the lovely Mr. Wellard! Wellard, though shy was also a secret bum admirer and Horatio was his favorite bum model. Especially after Horatio's deck shower. Grabbing a bucket of mud, a gleam in his huge brown eyes, Wellard ran as fast as he could and threw mud over Horatio's head. Luckily someone saved Horatio from Wellards roaming hands. Meanwhile McMahon watched Horatio's resultant refreshing deck shower and asked Piccine to fulfill her bum duties. She obeyed with pleasure, kowtowing to her master, so he could pinch her bottom in return! This so distracted Doom and Horatio escaped. Hoss went towards Horatio and hugged him. She sang Amazing Grace to make the moment especially memorable. Hoss had been drinking Portsmouth dry with Archie and Horatio, celebrating the preoccupation of Julian with Piccine, stopping the bum rustler from getting too frisky with Ioan and everyone else. Somebody said: “let's forget everyone's bum and go sailing instead!” But Horatio could not avoid Julian and decided to demand his satisfaction by pinching each others bum. If they won they'd still have very sore bums due to their dueling. The gentlemen had chosen spaghetti tongs for their duel. So it started and Julian parried Horatio's first strike by making a backflip onto the upper deck. It was awe inspiring. Horatio gave chase, swinging magnificently from the yardarm, zealously pinching away as Horatios red throbbing buttocks desperately needed massaging belowdecks. Sawyer walked in and Horatio only obliged the raiders to rub his back, because he had less dueling injuries this time. Meanwhile Hoss watched the scene from the crow's nest and decided to join in her pink dress that attracted Lancelot's attention from Horatio's pink bum. Lancelot died of laughter when he saw 'Lancelot's bum girls' dancing for him and finally McMahon danced some tango too and really had fun. Suddenly an explosion blasted Hoss outa the crowsnest, anding in a heap. She yelled: "Ship Ahoy!" What caused the explosion was an enemy cannon fired by the one ship Hoss had seen when she gave warning via Horatio's favourite signal. Horatio leaped to the nearest mast, climbed up despite his vertigo and hoisted the British flag. The enemy ship kept firing so Horatio called its captain via signalling and finally managing to convey that he had taken the ship. The captain wept saying: "Hornblower is weak now. Let's strike while his crew's dancing.” But Horatio's little package of explosive cannon balls wasn't enough to stop the rogue captain from flinging himself onto a rope and swinging aboard. But unfortunately, he missed the deck, splashing alongside into the frigid water! Shivering, Jack Sparrow cursed saying Horatio pushed him but Sparrow was drunk, as usual, rum bottle balanced on his head as he frantically dogpaddled off to Port Royal. Horatio contemplated following Jack for a grand shore leave with his best friend, so they slowly followed the red lights to Sparrow's favorite district to take advantage of the situation.

Piccine and Hoss split up to find McMahon's and Horatio's underpants, which Sparrow had stolen from their drawer. Piccine searched the docked ships while Hoss jumped into the Indy where Pellew was doing ballet. “Ahhh!” she exclaimed while Julian struggled over her shoulder to watch the show. Which made Horatio mad enough to climb the masts to yell at McMahon. Meanwhile Hoss and Sarita had found Horatio's missing underwear. Dressing Horatio and scolded him for running around without knickers, without notifying the IBRP. And that was the end of Horatio's free au-naturel phase, at least for now. Sarita covered Horatio's modesty but before she did, she covered her eyes from the enormous appendage Horatio sported, but beneath it all, everyone perfectly knew that it wasn't a codpiece. It was all Horatio! That's why Hoss decided to buy an expensive car and go to 'Thongs are us' for a PVC thong with a zipper for Horatio so he could put it on more comfortably. The rest of us tried to protect Horatio. For nothing should happen to the precious contents of that large codpiece! Horatio loved his thong and really thought he looked fantastic walking around, so he strutted his stuff on the catwalk playing with his zipper and twirling around his only other accessory, a chain attached to his collar, just the way the cheering bum raiders liked it. He invited one raider, the shy Rox Fox, to lead him around. She took his chain, pulling him on top of her for a roll around the deck, causing Sarita to apply gallons of banana-nut ice-cream to make the proceedings much slipperier and tastier. Causing the IBRP to dive right in and get covered in ice-cream and bananas and nuts. The nuts hurt when they were stepped on, causing a great deal of IBRP TLC for Horatio in his thong. As he looked down, he realized his zipper was cutting into his hair. “yeowch!” he yelled. Sarita offered to relieve his pain by rubbing the area with her famous melted butter sauce that Horatio loved a lot. When the pain subsided, Rox soothed his feelings of her and screaming: "Hoss, where art thou???" So Hoss came running on deck, reached Horatio just in time. As Julian lunged for them, Hoss aimed her cattle-prod just a little too far south for poor Julian. Branding him with a Speedo-shaped raider-mark just left of his appendage. Marking him as property of piccine, since no other raiders spoke up. Lancelot laughed at the expression on Julian's face at realizing that he wasn't the only one to be branded by Hoss' trusty cattle prod. Hoss had found something interesting about Lancelot. He liked being IBRP property and welcomed the raiders' fervent attentions and wanted to show his appreciation. This is why Sawyer stood up and shouted: “You look just like two turtles!” On the ship, Lancelot drew his swords and began practicing his technique to impress the raiders, but the IBRP was too caught up with Horatio's bum to notice that Lancelot was there, until he clanged his swords, daring Horatio to try to match him with two swords. So Horatio got Styles and Matthews to act as judges and grabbed his sabres, quickly slicing the air. Lancelot just smirked at the IBRP and set out to show them who could wield double swords while balancing a penguin on his delectable bum. The IBRP were awed with the skill and with how the penguin stayed perfectly balanced on him, as if glued to his bum. But, unfortunately, the penguin fell as Lancelot performed his triple-flip- 360 slash. The IBRP gasped at seeing diced penguin flying everywhere, spattering them with blood and guts. Horatio leaped between the IRBP to shield them, mourning the loss of his thong, unlike the IBRP, who were waving it in triumph. Horatio won their undying admiration again. In all his glory as he fruitlessly grabbed the air, lost balance, and fell before the raiders' awaiting eyes, completely starkers, save a shiny gleam in his eye. The raiders covered Horatio's shiny eyes and took full advantage of his popcorn machine, hurriedly blanketing him with popcorn to protect him from the prying eyes of curious seagulls diving in to eat popcorn. The raiders also dove in, quickly baring Horatio's virtue while McMahon and Sawyer emerged from the sea only to sink again. Lancelot was still showing off, trying to regain the raiders' attention, and unintentionally, hit Horatio, who yowled and whacked him in the crown jewels. Causing Lancelot to yowl and chase after Horatio, but not for long! Tripping over some ropes, he falls on top of the IBRP who get excited at their unexpected gift. Meanwhile Archie and Sawyer were trading shots and Horatio ran to the bathroom because his contacts had told him that a huge crocodile was hiding under the stern, waiting for the IBRP to throw Sawyer overboard. Horatio was torn, as much as he despised Sawyer's madness, he was loath to feed him so dishonorably to the waiting croc. Archie had drunk Sawyer senseless, so Horatio had an idea: he would take a barrel of beer acquired by Styles and get McMahon drunk too. This was a dangerous situation because of the need to get close enough to the crocodile to touch its tail and attach a rope to keep it from biting him while he set a trap for Bonaparte. “Dont' forget McMahon. he's the bait”, said Archie who had fewer pesky compunctions against tossing Sawyer and McMahon to the croc. Tugging McMahon over to the stern, Horatio stricken by his conscience, ran to intercept Archie, grabbed hold of him, yanking him back into the ship.

Archie was with McMahon, Piccine and Hoss, but Archie ran and grabbed Hoss' hand, pulling her close to him. Together they ran off leaving McMahon and piccine to fend off fish and that pesky croc - awakened by the fuss - had managed to get unharmedly past them thanks to the distraction of Lancelot still swinging his leather thong around his swords, still trying to prevent Piccine and McMahon from getting swallowed by the man-eating croc pestering whomever tried to climb the stairs Horatio built up to the crow's nest, towering high above the deck. Horatio preferred his new uniform to fight out an attack by the croc. His latex body-glove fit very tight, accentuating his bum and other important parts, codpiece-free for the full effect! Meanwhile Hoss and Sarita went over to Horatio, complimenting him on his excellent outfit and obvious assets that mesmerised the IBRP. Horatio's shy smile showed he was enjoying every second of inspection by Guinevere, making sure his assets were proudly displayed for all to marvel. “When did Guinevere become so delightful?” Arthur asked through a time vortex. She was the original warrior princess: pefect for leading an army of codpiece-free man through a gauntlet of IBRP, hypnotized into grabbing at appendages other than their own. The army delightedly leap through the time vortex to reach the Arthurian era with Sawyer and McMahon. Meanwhile Hoss marshalled the IBRP for a New Year's celebration around a huge bonfire on the sandy beach. Kindled by lightning from the peaks of Olympus! Everybody enjoyed the celebration, dancing 'round the fire, but Horatio burnt his weenie and could not help but asking Hoss to cook him another pizza. McMahon and Sawyer meanwhile, trapped in Arthur's era, no way to escape apparently, were panicking and trying to draw attention to the greatest thing anyone had ever seen: their outlandish codpieces! Guinevere's "chastity codpieces" were decorative, to say the least, and claustrophobically painful as they were chastity-designed. Julian thought it stylish to wear one over tiger-prints, but really wanted to feel it against himself all the way, so he stripped off the tigers and fitted the tight codpiece to his and Guinevere's satisfaction as her magic made them feel as if they were doin' something they never did before! It was very HOT and very, very naughty,and Horatio was unfortunate to witness the whole sickening fiasco, and promptly closed the time portal. “Why'd Horatio do that?” Guinevere asked McMahon. "Because his bum was getting too much attention from me...” Hoss and Sarita tried not to gag while remembering the scene. They were glad that it was easy to close the time portal and hide from eyes. Julian's codpieced body and extraordinarily hairy back. The IBRP and Lancelot were discussing tactics to shave or wax Julian's back, without him suspecting that they were doing it. However, their plan was bollixed by Sawyer and his back hair flourished! So, it was a challenge for the IBRP to close the time portal after Julian noticed it. By the way, Julian was on the run from a raging woad army. Angry at him for his codpiece flashing and Guinevere ravishing Merlin with her wiles. So they ran for the protection of Piccine's magical mystical protection shield! Which was made of floating gossamer threads high in the wind, glamorous enough to inspire awe. The road to Metopia, a dream land for all who dared to go. So they jumped in a raft that was floating toward Metopia and going to Piccine's place of refuge high above. Hoss and Sarita wanted to give each other a look that said RUN! They saw something red, grabbed Rox and ran as fast as possible away from Metopia and to the safety of Horatio's ship and Lancelot's awaiting arms, eager to engage in a group roll in the hay. “That's an enormous schwanzstucker!" yelled Roxy in disbelief. Lancelot just grinned cockily, knowing how much Julian hated his enormous schwanzstucker because it was more sought after than his own perfectly shaped bum. Which he thought deserved greater acclaim by the IBRP and the general public... Julian had no clue as he strutted around that he was the target of a telescope. Piccine looked longingly at Julian's disturbingly clothing-impaired behind as he turned around to face his distant Metopian admirer who was called as a goddess named Piccine, distinguished by her outstanding devotion to Julian's codpiece . In the meanwhile, Lancelot, fresh from his roll tried to win some of the attention he had lost to the ringing phone. He picked up the reciever suspiciously, hearing Piccine on the other side of the phone. She asked urgently if he could come, but Lancelot loved the naughty habit of procrastinating, so he made excuses to Piccine and hung out with the IBRP. Piccine "forgave" Lancelot and pulled Julian to her, kissing him. Unluckily Sarita had seen Guinevere sneaking and tried to warn them, but Guinevere angrily grabbed Julian's codpiece and yanked him away from Piccine in a jealous rage, pulling out her war axe and charging at them with all the strength she could provide. Fortunately for them Piccine dodged quickly and grabbed Julian and ran. Julian was torn between which colour thong he would blindfold piccine with. Red or zebra-print? Tough decision. Carefully, he picked the slinkiest of the thong collection, designed to instantly turn any woman's head to Julian's bum. The IBRP weren't so easily charmed, but Piccine was absolutely attached to Julian, with the chains and shakles that the dominatrix provided for Julian.

The IBRP tried to use anti-Julian repellent. It worked! Ergo piccine had him all to herself. Unluckily, Sawyer and Wellard had died during the Spanish jailbreak. While Sawyer was spanking Wellard, attention too distracted to see danger coming close. So that is why they called in SG-1 to provide a shield of defense while traveling to the next safe place with a sarcophagus to heal Wellard and yes, even poor Sawyer. Cameron placed them in the new secret X-304 in a desperate attempt to revive them back to life. It was a high risk gamble because Sawyer probably would just try to kill someone if not healed. The sarcophagus found Saywer's mental illness curable, as much as he could reach that stage where it was impossible to not reverse brain damage and all confusing sentences. Sawyer opened his eyes slowly and saw the IBRP looking intently at him, wondering if he was still a murderous, paranoid, laudanum-guzzling madman....He was! And they jumped back in surprise holding their breath, but Sawyer growled at them and Lancelot leaped in to knock him out before he bit someone. Horatio lopped off his head, and drove a stake through his heart to prevent further resurrections. Horatio wondered whether that would lead him to be on 'most wanted'. Archie high-fived him, cheering "hip hip hurrah!" yeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!" Wellard joined in, and sang, "Ding Dong the wicked witch is dead!" After the victory dance, Horatio put his sword back in the sheath, starting to feel guilty for what he had impulsively done to Sawyer. He hoped he would be cleared of murder, but consoled himself by joining the IBRP and having a jolly party. Go'uld whiskey tasted really enticing and slid down smooth, but had a strange side effect: they were attracted to Sawyer and their eyes kept crossing, trying to focus on his dead body. They threw him over into the sea and got back to celebrating. But Archie was too shocked by the latest events that he fell victim to melancholy and retreated to an outhouse cabin constructed by Pellew in his midshipman days of flasher glory. Horatio started to wonder where Archie went, so he stood up and sent the IBRP in all directions to scout out Archie's whereabouts. Sarita tripped on a tree root, stumbling upon the outhouse where Archie had hidden himself and was trying on Pellew's ravishing ladies' shoe collection, along with a coat in purple paisley. Archie was thoroughly enjoying the moment, until the IBRP and Sarita crowded into the outhouse, naughtily smiling at Archie, naked under the coat. He blushed fetchingly, drawing a collective gasp from his admirers "It's so hot in here! Why don't we become the ABRP?!?" Archie giggled and dropped his coat, letting it slide down to the floor...revealing a very strange choice of high heels that definitely showed off to Archie's best advantage. The temporarily ABRP swarmed around him, their eyes roving over his body. "At last!" screamed Archie. "I get more attention than Ioan! This is so gratifying!" As Archie opened his arms for his ARBP group hug, some more enthusiastically as they had better position! Unbalanced, they fell over. Archie covered in raiders and taking every advantage possible. Sarita squirted syrup all over everybody for a touch of sweetness. Archie had a sweettooth that enabled him to lick all the syrup off the floor, making everyone groan in disgust! Horatio arrived, alerted by all the loud noise he had heard coming from Pellew's outhouse. He knocked on the door and gingerly peeped inside. What he saw there left him a bit red in the cheeks. A lot of bodies huddled together, dancing to the macerena, which made Horatio decide to join in the fun. Therefore, he threw open the windows for a fresh breeze and took off all of his clothes. Archie and Horatio reveled in all the attention for their bums. Everyone agreed that the Crumpet was a nice alternative to bum-raid in lieu of a speedo-wearing schmuck with no sense of decency. Why should he haunt Horatio and Archie when he could easily be haunting someone else? Talking about haunting, perhaps Reed could take him to a place where only Piccine could find him. That place was buried in mysts and shadow and across a mountain, far away in the wilds of Metopia. They cavorted and frolicked blissfully, but wouldn't stay banished so they managed to sneak onto the Hotspur where they triggered Lancelot's brand new automated, slicing and dicing substitute sword beard- trimmer 2000. Lancelot was unwilling to lend his sword to such super -evil bum raiders. He told them to take a flying leap over the ship's edge into the very cold shark-infested water. "How can you tell if those sharks would finally get us rid of them?" asked Archie. "Well," said Horatio, "we could always try and see what happens to this Spanish prisoner!" Horatio held Archie over the side and said: "you don't think those sharks are hungry, do you?". Archie wimpered and said: "Don't you remember the time when we fell playing around like this?!" Horatio laughed and pulled Archie back into the ship. The sun shone upon Horatio's beautiful curls and the effect was magnificent. He looked like Stephen Fry...So McMahon pushed Archie away and pounced. In slow motion, the IBRP tried to row a bit closer to defend Horatio. Julian stumbled and fell out and sharks circled him. "Why won't they eat vegetarian diet instead?" Piccine saved McMahon by swooping down on a surfboard and scaring the sharks with aquatic prowess and fierce speedo- flicking.

This stuff is hilarious after it's all put together like this! Thanks HH, wow, what a big job!