There is not enough words to express the gratitude to my ioanzoners. The depression is coming and going. There is no one with whom I could actually talked about that would understand. No professional help at leased from anyone. There isn't just the things about mum's passing and dad being in the hospital (he btw got out yesterday with the good results), it is much more. The job I went in high school I hate, that is beyond comprehension. That is being a nurse. (sorry Stevie) Ok I don't really hate-hate it but I am scared of it. I never worked as one but was all my life in hospital and especially during the 4 years of school and while voluntary working to get my license years ago, and caring for mum. Because it has been quite some time since I finished I forgot a lot of things. And it is not that I am not a caring person, I always had a good bedside manners towards the patients, it's not that either. And I am easy on my hand giving a injections in toosh, my sister experienced it from the first hand, she doesn't even feel the sting. It's that I am petrified of placing an intravenous tube in the vain. I am afraid of giving the wrong medicine, or people having a anafilactic reaction caused by something I did or give. I did all of that before during my high school when I was 17 but was supervised by our teacher but now I get panic attacks just by thinking about it. The job is really hard and responsible. And since everyone in my family know how I was good in school assume that I am still good for the job, but so much has happened since then. So much suffering I've seen, that I just couldn't bare. So because I forgot a lot of things concerning about medicine I feel stupid. We never had enough money for me to get more education, we were always struggling. And since I never got to go to collage or university I feel like a failure, although I did got excepted at two studies. For English language, but was tooo expensive with one salary and sister already studying I couldn't afford to go, and other is Law studies, which I wasn't into at all, but dropped out since at the time mum replaced her hip. My sister was always better than me in learning, because she loved to read so much, unlike me. I was more creative one. I liked to build things and make stuff. So she was the better choice to have more education, and I stayed at home helping mum, which I loved and was more satisfied that way. And now that I have something that I love doing and am into can't study and that is photography and graphic design. So basically I do have much low self-esteem.

:hug Selma, I so wish there was a way I could think of a solution to get you a job in graphic arts, but I just don't know enough about that field. I hope you know that you are not a failure because you were unable to follow through with nursing. I took tests that showed I would be good at nursing and my reaction was "What! this test doesn't even know me. I panic at the sight of blood and wouldn't have the courage to even attempt an IV or a shot." You have far more courage than you think you do, Selma. I'll name just a few ways. 1)You had the courage to try nursing, found out that you didn't like it and now it is time to move on to a new thing. (And that is perfectly OK.) 2)You had the courage to sit, comfort and care for a loved one who was dying. Most people can not or have not done that ( I include myself in that group) 3) You have gone through war and survived. That takes a special kind of courage. 4) You have the courage to come to a board like IZ and write messages in a language other than your own. Which must have been quite scary at first. That takes courage. (I have a University education and studied French for for years, yet I've never visited a French website.) 5) You have made some beautiful graphics with very few resources. I can only imagine what you could do with the right materials. Don't give up on that. You never know what may be just around the corner and you want to be ready to do what you love. Selma, you are a lovely young lady who has gone through so many tragic events in such a short period of time. While you may feel that you fall short in self-esteem, I admire your courage and hold you in great esteem. I respect so much your perseverance. Right now, you are going through a difficult time of grief. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Give yourself some time and you will get back up and start moving forward again when the time is right. :hug

I don't think I can add much to GG's sensible words, Selma. As for nursing, You either love it or you hate it - it's not a job anyone could do for the money (which is a good thing, because it doesn't pay too well comparitively :roll: ) Also, within nursing people tend to specialise in the area which suits them. I'm assuming you are trained as an adult nurse and the thought just gives me the shivers! Does your health service not run refresher courses? I have a friend who has been out of nursing 20 years and is doing one here to build up confidence. What I would say is that your nurse training has given you/reinforced your skills with people and these can be translated to many other jobs. No education is ever wasted, as I never tire of explaining to people who find it difficult to see how I could go from drama to nursing (it's simply all about kids and a pride in your own skills) GG is also right about your graphic skills. Are there any books/websites you could access to develop them further. While I was convalescing from my hand surgery, I taught myself alot about web building from a boook in the series The Missing Manual; I'm sure there's an online version too and they cover all computer subjects. Take courage my friend. I'm sure something will change soon. :hug

Thanks GG and Stevie. It is a bit different program in schooling here. We start to go to high school here at the age of 15 (I was 17 because I lost 2 years due to war). There are various types of schools. A Gymnasium high school where the subjects are all the basic subjects studied, which is very comprehensive and sometimes strict. And then there are schools that are based on some field like nursing, economy and technique, being a car mechanic and that sort of things. In nursing high school in first grade there are all the basics things and simple procedures making the bed, changing the sheets, helping the patient in and out of bed, or doing the changing into pajamas. We learn the anatomy of the body and it's functions. Over the course of 4 years we have to go through all fields and subjects of medicine from pediatrics to surgery nursing. The things I don't like here in hospital either with nurses or doctors, is that there is corruption, blessings to exceptions. If you have someone sick there is unwritten rule you have to slip in couple of 100 "bucks" or you bring some fruits or coffee or whatever so they can look out on the patient. Yes they do the basics in nursing, give the medicine but sometimes that is all. Sometimes I witnessed nurses being rude or nagging about the fact that some has to be changed into clean clothes, or change the sheets. If there are high school students, very often they are the ones doing the work for them or at least help them out. And because my aunt, my father's sister was nurse for almost 30 years she knows a lot of other nurses and doctors so we never had the problem going into the hospital when mum had to be in there, even if the visitation were not allowed. And yes both my father's sisters gave some money to the doctor when mum had surgeries. There is a different insurance in my country as well, we don't have to pay for most of the medical procedures, whether they be blood testing, or operations. Being a nurse or doctor here (like everywhere I suppose) is very underpaid, or at least they are always complaining about it. So that is why corruption is something that is here, in a way expected. As for refreshing courses it is something within the hospital staff that are working already in nursing and me being unemployed can't attend to those. Getting a job is possible if you have a friend in high places or if you have the money to pay the position so you can be hired. And yes, my aunt knows nurses, but no one important enough to secure a job for me. And yet if she does I don't know if I could do it. I am dried up.

Selma, I can understand what you say about being a nurse. I consider myself a caring person, but I could never be a nurse (or a doctor): I know I would let myself be involved in my patients' suffering to the point I would be unable to do my job well, if I were a nurse or a doctor. That's why I deeply respect and admire those who do those all-important jobs. Anyway, don't feel like your life is a failure, Selma, because it isn't. You're still young enough to start learning a job and old enough to know what you would like to do. When you chose to study to become a nurse, I think you were still to young to know what your talents were and what you wanted to do with your life. And your English is very good. Is there a way that you can get a scholarship to go to college? Or courses financed with public money or the EU that you can take?

it's very sad to hear how the health service in your country is run, Selma. Here, doctors are well paid, it is nurses who are not. for anyone to be caught taking a bribe would mean instant dismissal. We are not even alloed to accept personal gifts from a grateful patient, just gifts for the ward, like chocs or biscuits, etc. Some parents also go on to raise money for our charitable fund to buy new equipment for PICU. Treatment is 'free at the point of contact', bar GP prescritions and dental treatments, glasses etc, which are operated on an ability to pay system of benefits. (some elements of Nai Bevins original dream of a welfare state do still exist!) Your fortitude will find your place somewhere eventually, Selma. :hug

Oh Stevie you couldn't believe what nurses here get. Especially the ones at obstetric ward. From flowers, candy, cakes, money and sometimes even jewelery such as rings and earrings. All from excited new father or the grandparents. Its disgusting! It is unwritten rule to bring gifts and all very hush hush. Economy here sucks like everywhere in these days of recession I guess. But concerning that we still haven recovered after the war or there have been some slightly improvement its even harder. Biro that is supposedly be helping the ones seeking job doesn't do anything. If they some programs concerning creating some new skills (graphic art for example) I would gladly join. There is one thing you should know. Here it is not common for people to change their profession. Mostly you do what you studied during high school or university. There are exceptions but mainly you go for the same job at the different position / facility.

It must be horrible to be so constricted, Selma! At least they can never curb your wonderful imagination!

Here people change jobs more than they used to. In the past, many people stuck with one company for their whole career, but not so much in the last twenty years. I went back to school at 28 to retrain and finish my degree which was not unheard of, but still pretty unusual. Now people look at it as a great thing for older people to continue their education or pursue a new career that may help their future. Selma, I hope one day you will be given the chance to retrain for something you love. Have you ever thought of writing a book about your experiences?

Selma, It is time to decide what you want to do. Stop thinking of the barriers and start going for what you want. My best to you and your family, GinaP :cool:

I don't know how, because I think I will fail. And there are many barriers that I am afraid to cross. And those are not up to me. It doesn't help the fact that I have low self-esteem around people because I think I am not clever enough. It may not be and appear that way but I am very shy. People just don't understand certain things in environment and mentality like we have here in Bosnia.

Selma, you are a very strong person. Look at the trials you had to live through... I don't think I could survive a war, the loss of my mother and my father getting sick, all in a relatively short period. Actually, you have all the right to feel sad and depressed and I think you have to take your time to cope with those feelings. And you are a person with many talent. Besides, I can assure you that it is a good thing not to be too self-confident: doubts help us avoiding or correcting mistakes.

Selma, something else to remember is that it is ok to fail sometimes. Everyone does. Every successful person has what some would consider failures in their past. With my writing, I've gotten many rejection slips or the "you almost made it to the top level, but not quite". It stings everytime, but each time I learned about an area that I need to improve. I've also had some successes mixed in. However, I wouldn't have had those if I didn't take the risk in the first place. Take small steps in whatever direction you want to apply yourself and gradually you will gain confidence and get closer to your goal. I'm sure life and the way things run is quite different there, but with the Internet you can reach out. Try writing about your story or use your art skills to collage your impressions of war and what you've been through. Most people don't know what it is truly like. If you are following your passion it may lead to a career. Just spend a little time each day working toward it. :hug Don't be so hard on yourself. You can do more than you may feel right now.