Jokes and other funny stuff

Where do you come up with so many of these? A joke thread in another forum and I badly need some laughs right now. ___________________________________________________________ _______ TOOLS EXPLAINED DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh :censored ' ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

I was just reminded of a story from real life that is also funny. I have a friend I often go to see movies with and who is known for changing movie titles (she seems to be unable to remember any movie real title) and her masterpiece was when she called me and asked "Hey, Fran, would like to go see 'My Wife's First Husband' with me on Thursday?" It turned out that the movie was "My Best Friend's Wedding."

Thank you Frances, your jokes have made me laugh today.

What do those car names really stand for?
What do those car names really stand for? ALFA: Aging Latin Fart's Ambulance. ASTON MARTIN: A Silly Toy Of Neurotic Middle Aged Rich Toffs Investing Needlessly AUDI: Another Useless Deutsche Invention. BMW: Bought My Wife; Brings Me Women; Big Money Waster; Broke My Wallet; Babe Magnet Wannabe. Bavarian Manure Wagon CADILLAC: Crazy And Demented Idiots Like Large American Cars. CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips. Cheap Heap, Each Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time. CHRYSLER: Can't Have Refund, You're Stuck Leasing Edsel's Replacement. Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere. Dad's Old Dead Garage Experiment. Don't Over Drive Gutless Engines. EDSEL: Every Day Something Else Leaks. FIAT: Failed Italian Automotive Technology, Feeble Italian Attempt (at) Transportation. Fix It Again Tony! FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily. Fast Only Rolling Downhill. First (or Fails) On Race Day. Found On Road Dead. Funding Our Retirement Daily (from a mechanic`s point of view). Fouled-up, Over-rated Dodge. Driver Returning On Foot (Ford spelled backwards!) GMC: Greatest Made Chevy HOLDEN: Holes, Oil Leaks, Dents, Engine Noises. Heaps Of Loud Disgusting Engine Noises. HONDA: Had One Never Did Again. Hold On, 'Nother Dummy Arriving. Happy Owners Never Drive Anything (else) HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive. Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside ISUZU: It Sucks, Unless Zero Used JAGUAR: Junk Always Going Under At Repair Shop. JEEP: Junk Engineering Executed Poorly. Just Enough Engine Power KIA: Kick It Again. Keep It Away. Kill It Anyway. Kills Innocent Americans LOTUS: Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious. MAZDA: Mostly Always Zipping Dangerously Along. Made After Zero Design Analysis. MERCEDES: Many Expensive Repairs Can Eventually Discourage Extra Sales MG: Merciless Garbage; Money Guzzler; MG-B: Might Go Backwards; the new MG-F: Might Go Forwards MINI: Moron Inside Notably Insane MINIVAN: Manhood Is Nonexistent, I'm Vasectomized And Neutered. MITSUBISHI: Mostly In The Shop Undergoing Big Investments, Sometimes Halfway Incomplete; Motor Is Tough, Sounds Unbelievably Bad, Intimidates Slow Hondas Incessantly MOPAR: Move Over, Professionals Are Racing, Mostly Old Parts And Rust NISSAN: Needs Imminent Salvage So Abandon Now. OLDSMOBILE: Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday; Old Ladies Drive Slow - Mostly Off Bridges Into Lake Erie PLYMOUTH: Please Let Your Mother Out Under The Hood PONTIAC: People On Narcotics Think It's A Cadillac PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoilt Children Having Everything. SAAB: Send Another Automobile Back; Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown; Start Adding Additional Brakefluid; Sad Attempt At Beauty. Still Ain't A Beamer; Slow As A Buick. Sidenote:'Yuppies don't cry, they just Saab'. SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually SUZUKI: Space Usually Zero Unless Kids Inside TORANA: Tons Of Rust And No Acceleration. TOYOTA: Taking Our Yen Out Through America; The One You Ought To Avoid, They Overcharge You On Their Accessories; Take Off Your Oversized Tires A***ole TRIUMPH: This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help; Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt! VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object; Very Old Lazy Vehicle Owner. VW: Very Weird; Virtually Worthless. VOLKSWAGEN: Vehicle Owners - Losers Knowingly Suffering With All German Engineered Nonsense.

I've owned a Fix or Repair Daily that was accurate and a Very Weird.

Thanks for sharing!!

These are great,Frances,I needed a good laugh today. But, you can't laugh out loud in the library,or people look at you funny.............. :whistle :hide2:

people look at you funny when you laughout loud?? :hug people look at me funny all the time - usually when I say something intelligent :roll: ... ... or sucking the life out of a cadbury creme egg - especially the young guy sitting in the next booth in the pc lab :twisted: Thank you Frances

Well,Marian,people probably look at me funny all the time too,but I'm not paying attention to them anyway,so it doesn't matter!! Where I am in this library,it's always SOOOO quiet,you can hear a pin drop,if I laughed out like I want to sometimes--------I'd probably scare somebody....or make 'em mad! So,I just chuckle to myself and have a big stupid grin on my face!!!!!!!

I don't know how funny this truly is, but when I read it, I burst out laughing. Tonight I went out to dinner with some friends and where we parked our cars there was a sign saying "Parking to Payment Not Guarded". It didn't take us too long too understand that it was a Babelfish translation from the Italian and it really means "Unattended Paying Car Park".

That is pretty funny. Babelfish can re-interpret life. I remember in New York seeing signs on the street that said, " No standing between signs." So, we had our picture taken standing between the signs. What the signs meant was that since there was no parking in the area, cars were not allowed to just stop and wait between the signs.

Ah, the problem with translating with Babelfish (and similar translation systems) is that it translates words but completely ignores grammar and syntax, which is not the same for all languages. A sign that has me smile is when I read "Porta allarmata" to say "Alarmed door": in Italian, "allarmato/a" can mean "alarmed", but its most common meaning is "frightened", and the idea of a "frightened door" is weird.

Quite an opposite meaning if an alarmed door is meant to protect the occupants of the building.

Puntuation is the key, isn't it? Our street is in an industrial area amongst the shipyards and for years we had a sign saying "Slow Children Playing." Okay, so they're no Einsteins, but.........

Puntuation is the key, isn't it? Our street is in an industrial area amongst the shipyards and for years we had a sign saying "Slow Children Playing." Okay, so they're no Einsteins, but......... This reminds me of that joke saying "A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons. 'Why?' asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. 'Well, I'm a panda', he says, at the door. 'Look it up.' The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. 'Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'"

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