You come up with some pretty funny jokes, Frances. And ones I've never heard before.

Church Bulletins These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ——————————————————————————————————— The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." ——————————————————————————————————— Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. ——————————————————————————————————— Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ——————————————————————————————————— The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. ——————————————————————————————————— Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. ——————————————————————————————————- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. ——————————————————————————————————- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ——————————————————————————————————— For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ——————————————————————————————————— Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ——————————————————————————————————— The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." ——————————————————————————————————- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ——————————————————————————————————- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. —————————————————————————————————- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. ————————————————————————————————- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ————————————————————————————————————- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ——————————————————————————————————- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. ——————————————————————————————————- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ——————————————————————————————————- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ——————————————————————————————————— This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ——————————————————————————————————- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. ——————————————————————————————————— The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. ——————————————————————————————————— Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ——————————————————————————————————- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ——————————————————————————————————— Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ——————————————————————————————————— The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours"

Oh Frances thanks so much for this! I'm having such a lousy day and am in such a bad mood - but this really put a smile on my face and made me giggle even! :wink: :applaud:

I'm sorry, but this made me laugh!
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs we re a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. THURSDAY: B elinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

:lol: Very nice, Gnat! This could have been my week at the gym and this must be why I don't give gyms a try, as proud as I am to be lazy when it comes to health clubs. :wink:

:happy and a big :rant: I can relate. I spent a few sessions with a personal trainer and wobbled away after the sessions and all the next day.

Delightful,Ladies! Got some big smiles out of these. Wanted to laugh out loud,...but I'm in the library!!!!! Ssshhh!

:happy Matie! Well here's another: Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Buster, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was waiting to check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had...an elephant? So since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but had lost 50 pounds before I'd awakened in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifice s and IV's in both arms. I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and every time you feel hungry, you simply eat one or two. The food is nutritionally complete and I was going t o try it again. I have to mention that practically everyone in the line was enthralled by now. Horrified, the woman asked me if I'd ended up in intensive c are because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit both of us. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore Enjoy! :wink:

Ha ha Gnat, Your story reminded of an experience that one of my students had that was true. I have my students break a norm as an assignment in sociology class. One student decided to go to the check out line with a couple of items in her cart and let everyone cut in line ahead of her, including people with carts loaded down with food. She said she wasn't in a hurry. Eventually the store manager told her she had to pay or leave! So, I could almost believe that joke was real! :wink: GinaP :cool:

Oh,Gnat! Stop it,you're making me grin too much! I might get frozen this way!!!!! (It IS kinda chilly in here today,by the way,brrr!) Thanks! ------------ Miss GinaP, that sounds like a most interesting assignment. Would have like to have been a fly on the wall to watch facial expressions,body language,etc.

That's quite a funny one, Gnat. Gina - I bet your students have come up with some interesting experiments. Maybe the makings of a good book. :thumbs up

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied' ___________________________________________________________ ___________ SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened h is trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' ___________________________________________________________ _________ SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' ___________________________________________________________ SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. ___________________________________________________________ ___________ SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' ___________________________________ SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' ___________________________________________________________ ___________ Three bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk , 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. ___________________________________________________________ A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' He never heard the shot.... ___________________________________________________________ A doctor asked a patient what he did for a living "I'm a criminal lawyer" he said "I though you all were" the doctor replied.

I like all of them, but must say #5 really struck me as quite funny and wishing I could come up with such quick retorts.

AN EMAIL FROM GOD
here is another joke email from the father of my son .... (hmmm there's somethinginthat las t sentence :oops: anywho... One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.' God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time also. When this angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.' God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the email said? > > > > > > > > > No? > > > > > > > > > > > > Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either

:rotf: , Marian. Don't worry, all it said was: "Keep up the good work!" And in perfect English, too! :twisted: