Forwarded Funnies

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 8. If yo can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. 9. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. Will try this immediately on my husband. :mrgreen:

Sylviane - you're a bad, bad girl! :wink: :applaud: :devil Frances - once again you've made me laugh much too loudly when I'm at work! :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:

Priceless, Frances! Needing a good laugh right now! :rotf:

Those are all quite funny and I haven't heard them before. May have to pass it on to my Mom as she enjoys them.

FRANCES!!!! I'm in the library, :rotf: :rotf: trying not to laugh out loud! Shhhhhhhhhhh! :rotf:

The 6 Phases of Work
Phase 1 You are listening to jazz --Your first day at work is great. Your co-workers are wonderful, your cubicle is cute, and your boss is the best! Phase 2 You are listening to pop music --After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you're coming or going anymore. Phase 3 You are listening to heavy metal --This is what you feel like at month end. Phase 4 You are listening to hip hop -- You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation. Your co-workers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing in. You have started thinking 'WHATEVER' about your boss. Phase 5 You are listening to GANGSTA RAP - After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine. Phase 6 You are listening to the voices in your head - You have build a makeshift door on your cubicle to keep people out, You have a dartboard with your bosses picture on it in your cube, You wonder why you are even here in the first place.

I think I jumped from phase 2 to phase 6 in one fell swoop.

Sounds like a couple of jobs I've had in the past! :rotf:

While this is not a forwarded funny, but I found it funny in a shocking, "she actually said that "sort of way. It is something I overheard yesterday at a bookstore no less. A woman was on a cell phone talking rather loudly so everyone around couldn't help but hear. She had a Southern type accent which contributed to what she said. Anyway, she was talking about how she took care of the kids a lot, etc. Then, she said " He don't love me the way he post to." Seriously. For the non-American speakers this translates to "He doesn't love me the way he's supposed to." I almost started laughing, but what I really wanted to do was direct her over to the Grammer section of the book store.

:happy GG! In Newcastle, she would have said "E dint love us nee more!"

Translation equally as difficult.

what I really wanted to do was direct her over to the Grammer section of the book store. The people in charge of road signs in Italy should be directed to a human translator, instead. There are bilingual signs around my home town where the Italian "Parcheggo a pagamento non custodito" became "parking to payment not guarded" (clearly an automated translation and I wonder what someone who doesn't speak Italian would make of it) instead of "unattended paying car park". Another mistranslation I ran into was in the conditions of use for parks in Rome that ended with "Transgressors will be persecuted" (come on, let's not exaggerate :wink: )... obviously transgressors will be prosecuted...

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